Today, I don’t feel angry. I don’t feel apathetic. I don’t even feel sad. I feel embarrassed. Embarrassed that my body hasn’t been able to keep these babies growing. Embarrassed that I have been pregnant three time and still have no baby.
But most of all, I’m embarrassed that I want it so much.
I said earlier that I always wanted to be a mom. Since my miscarriages and fertility issues, I’ve really sat down and asked myself, “Why do you even want this?” I asked my husband the same question.
Part of my answer has to do with him. He’s the best person I know. Capable of an otherworldly love and devotion that I could have never imagined. He would be the best dad, father and partner. He’s the one who taught me to be gentle with myself.
We both have this insane desire to love. Love our people, love what we’re doing, love each other. The greatest joy I think I will ever see is him fathering our children. His patience and his care would be unreal.
As for myself, I think wanting kids sprawls from this desire for a family unit that is mostly emotional. I come from a culture that celebrates children and having families. I witnessed and actively feel the ways in which the children in my life make the world a better place. The sense of wonder, joy and just pure innocence is magical. But also seeing them grow into their own people with thoughts, dreams and questions about the world around them is unreal. I unironically believe that every new generation is better than the last and will only improve our planet.
My loved ones sometimes walk a bit on eggshells with me when it comes to the topic of pregnancy. They have every right to. I’ve had more than a couple breakdowns about it. It’s hard to navigate!
Hence my shame.
I always thought it was the five stages of grief, but that’s not right. There’s the sadness and anger but there’s also loneliness (my body is the only thing actively going through what it went through and that sometimes feels isolating), there’s moments of confident acceptance (my life would still be lovely, wonderful and full of love even without children), moments of embarrassment (like today) and so much more.
During the bad times, like today, when my emotions are not able to be anything but what they are, I take a deep breath and remind myself it’s ok to feel all the ways, but this is also nothing to be ashamed about. I spoke with a woman who recently had a baby after seven miscarriages. Big chunks of my circle do not have or want children. My life will be beautiful no matter what because I have a circle of love and trust.
And as much as I want to be embarrassed about the embarrassment, I know, deep down, that it will pass.
——
I wrote the above over a week ago. I sat with it and guess what, it passed. Past me knew it would. Everything is a cycle and nothing is linear.
It gives me hope that even when the world feels like it’s caving in, it’s not. I’ve had the best week with my husband and seeing friends. It was wonderful. And while I know I felt those feelings last week, they’re no longer oppressive and all consuming.
It’s funny how that works.
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